So I’ve just cleaned my room and I’m sat on my bed looking out the window at the rain falling, wondering if life was truely supposed to be this way… I can’t work it out. Was this the path that was set for me - buut I don’t believe in things like that so it can’t be right? So I guess it comes down to the whole what will be will be scenario. Well I don’t believe it does, because if I look after myself then I probably won’t get complications & if I don’t look after myself 9 times out of 10 I’m going to! So what will be will be doesn’t really apply in this situation.
Now because I’ve been thinking about that, my whole mind has ran away with itself and I’m about to go into one of those deep thinking modes, that lets face it usually ends up with me upset, frightened and confused about this whole life I was born into and the choices I don’t utlimately have the decission over.
So stupidly I carry on thinking - I’ll wish I just picked up a book and started reading about somebody elses fairytale in a minute. Everything that once annoyed me and made my life complicated has gone. I still find it hard to understand how my mum and dad get annoyed at the fact the cup was left out, or they have to wait in a queue (I’m English remember - us English are the best at queues!) etcc. Don’t get me wrong those little things used to annoy me but now… Now they don’t mean anything to me. Does that mean I’ve changed completely or that I’m more wise and patient now? Or can I purely put it down to the fact I have bigger things to worry about like my diabetes. See this is where it gets complicated… I still want to worry about those little things, afterall everybody says its the little things that count right? And I don’t want to always think “Geee’s if only you knew what I have to deal with, leaving that cup out wouldn’t matter so much then…” because its not there fault. What gives me the right to think or say things like that? Just the same as what gives them the right to pass idle comments? Swings and roundabouts I’m thinking.
You see I know - because I’m diabetic - life is hard. There are times when it’s incredibly scary, confusing, annoying, depressing and every other word you could possibly find to describle this evil disease. And constantly everybody is dissing it for what it does to us and potentially going to do to us. But do we do that because there’s nobody for us to blame? So we slate it and abuse it because in a way we feel like we’ve got one over on it? All that wasted energy, time and emotion. Isn’t it about time we embrassed it? Almost welcome it, move away from this continuous fight we have with it and work with it the best we can. Still get annoyed about those little things and not get ticked off because suddenly we realise we got real issues to be annoyed and pissed with. After all aren’t we part responisble for the outcome of a life with diabetes - we’re the ones who give the medicine, check the blood.
Now I know diabetes is soul destroying but isn’t starving, living in poverty, having no family, being caught in a war zone, being abused…
…Just as destroying? With all of that going on outside my bedroom am I the selfish one to sit on my bed and complain about the life I didn’t neceserally choose, choices I don’t have the decissions over, a disease that just knocked on my door and waltzed in for the crack of itt. Hmmmm, today I don’t think I’m going to complain. Today I think I’m going to be greatful for my insulin and the needles. For my glucose checker. For the method of carb counting. For my doctor. For the help of TU
With out that I don’t think I could sit here and think… Choose the path of my life I have control over. And hopefully, just hopefully live a life at the end of I can say I’m truely proud.
Godddddd I don’t even understand half of that. Sometimes you need to say the unexplainable I guess!?