Moaning and Groaning

1

I'm in a very low place emotionally, and that's when I just can't deal with diabetes. I WANT it to GO AWAY, and haven't managed to convince it to do so, even by almost killing myself!

What I HATE about diabetes: the constant preoccupation with food -- what to eat, when to eat, how much, nutrition content and meal composition, particularly carbs and protein, how long its likely to last in my belly before I get hungry again, watching my weight (not overweight, but don't want to get that way)

What's ANNOYING about diabetes: running out of insulin in my reservoir at inconvenient times or places, when I either don't want to, or CAN'T change it, sitting up most of the night trying to bring a high down, the horrible tangy orange flavor of glucose tablets (easier to carry around than juice), not KNOWING when a low is going to hit.

What's BORING about diabetes: explaining it over and over to people until their eyes glaze over, knowing that they probably aren't catching much of what I'm saying, having it on my mind all the time.

What's IRRITATING about diabetes: all the people who think they know more than I do, and all the ads that bounce up on the internet, and in magazines, and ESPECIALLY the one on the package of Medtronic CGM sensors showing a cute, young and slender girl about to dig into a HUGE piece of carrot cake -- when I know for a fact that that piece of cake would literally do me in.

What's BIPOLAR about diabetes: On the one hand, pictures and articles of young, fashionable, adorable young people who are artists and extreme athletes, etc. with the message that you can do anything (Nat Strand would never have made it in that race if she hadn't had a knowledgeable and capable teammate who saved her butt a couple of times), and all the admonitions about taking care of yourself perfectly or you're going to get horrible complications. Seems to me the truth is somewhere in the middle -- either diabetes is a piece of cake, or it isn't, and it seems to me, it isn't.

What's on FIRE about diabetes: it takes a continuous emotional toll on a person. For anyone who's really trying, it's not a pop-a-pill and forget it disease. Which results in burnout. Which I've seen more people than just me struggle with. Coupled with a dark fear that on the days when I REALLY don't behave myself, I might be doing myself permanent damage.

And what's WORST for me, is having no one in my life who would be there if I had an emergency. The fact that friends came looking for me and saved my life in 2010 was pure luck, and it HAS made me a little more careful, but I'm darn scared of this disease.

Can you relate?

2

Oh YES!! So much! Natilie I really hope u feel some better getting all that out. I know this Forum and my blogging has helped me soooo much!

3

My T2 diabetes is like a hobby in comparison to your version of the disease. Please know how much I admire you and the other T1s who have to work so hard every day just to keep going. XOX

4

I can definitely relate! I'm doing well with diabetes at the moment, but there are times in the past when I just did NOT want to deal with it. (Like last year—the other day I looked back at my records from this time last year and saw that my blood sugar hit both 1.7 (30 mg/dl) and HI (600+ mg/dl) in the same week because I was in complete burnout mode.)

I hope you feel better soon! Feel free to vent as much as you want/need to!

5

Maybe it's denial but I try to ignore it or think of it like something that "is" rather than something that "is" bad.

6

The people who don't understand and the magazines that say T2 is a lifestyle choice - ha! who would choose, yes CHOOSE, to have diabetes. You say it excellently and I hope that now you will be able to quietly buckle down again and get on with it (((hugs)))
Maureen

7

I kinda find myself in that way of thinking to AR.

I do hope you are feeling better Natalie, feel free to vent all you need to.

8

Whoa, relax Natalie. We hear you loud and clear. We all get po'd from time to time. Frustrating too. We all manage it as best we can. Good to see you vent! Keep it up!

9

Natalie , I hope you don't mind me sharing ...I can delete ...this is what is getting me excited about living with d ....http://www.itsallaboutwomen.ca/
The link will get you to the " Shuswap Women of Distinction " Awards and voila .
I don't know , what else to say but HUGGS ??

10

Hey Natalie -

Sorry you're feeling low. I can relate although the cute pictures and heart warming stories don't get me down. I just shake my head and wonder who writes this stuff and why.

If you're caught in the rip tide right now, remember to swim parallel to the shore. No heroics, we don't want to lose you.

Take care,

Maurie

11

Sorry you're having a rough time, Natalie. Two thoughts to share: I know how important it is to have a satisfying, fulfilling life beyond diabetes. For various reasons too irrelevant to go into, I have trouble doing that (aside form diabetes) and feel it is even more important to work at it WITH diabetes.

Second thought, you sound like we are your support and you feel disconnected from other type 1's. I know you mentioned how much you enjoyed going to the conference and meeting some of the people from this board and others. You live in a decent size city. Is there a way you can start a group like the one I started in the bay area? It means so much to have others who truly understand.

12

Yep, I can relate. But when I start feeling that way, I try to remind myself that there are people all over the world (and in this country) who would do anything to have access to a pump, insulin, or CGM sensor...all the things that so many of us are able to easily access and have covered (more or less) by our insurance. Sure, running out of insulin is annoying, but I am so grateful that my fridge is always well-stocked with more. Sure, I hate calling the insurance company, but I am grateful that I have an insurance company to call! (because there was a time in my life when I didn't, and that was WAY worse).

What I probably hate the most these days is the media portrayal of "diabetes." Like you describe, it's really schizophrenic - and T1 is often confused with type 2 diabetes. If I have one more person tell that if I just eat cinnamon I'll be able to get off insulin, I very well might shove a couple of cinnamon sticks up their nose. Seriously. I also hate that this media portrayal links so much of what we go through to our own actions - that if we have complications, it must be our fault for not taking care of ourselves. What the media fails to describe is that caring for type 1 diabetes is a lot of guesswork and little science.

Everyone has something that they struggle with in life, whether it's a medical condition, a mental health issue, or some other issue. I agree that in some respects, living with T1D is really unique because it requires so much of our attention, and that's something people often don't understand.

BUT, there's one really good thing about D - the fact that we have the ability to reach out to one another via cyberspace and connect with people who UNDERSTAND :-)

13

I hear you Natalie and I can so relate! I'm so sorry that you're having a rough time but know that you're not alone. I'm having a tough go of it right now too. Sometimes the added weight of diabetes management on top of other life stresses are almost more than I can handle emotionally. I just feel mentally tired.

It's almost just gotten easier not to eat carbs at all than to have to figure out how to deal with insulin on board and having to make the decision to take a correction shot before I go to bed and stay up all freaking night and then get up at 5a.m. to go to work exhausted. My basal rate seems to be constantly changing and I'm tired of not being able to go to sleep without waking up low in the morning. What works one night doesn't work the next and I'm just worn out from trying to get it "right".

I was supposed to schedule pump training this week but my husband was laid off this week and emotionally I just can't focus on learning how to deal with the pump with everything else we're trying to figure out. Thankfully our health insurance is with my employer so that in itself is a blessing. But just the out of pocket costs of my meds are going to place added stress right now.

Sometime I just don't know whether to be angry, cry, scream or throw things. I try to laugh and act like nothing is wrong but sometimes I feel like this disease is stealing chunks of my life no matter how hard I try not to let it.

Deep breath. It will not defeat me. I have to believe this. We will get through this.

14

Whoa Natalie and I thought it was just me. I feel for you hope your feeling better now. It seems we all go thru this and like always we pick our selves by the boot straps and go on. Not because we want to but because we have no choice. Pretty strong group, this bunch of PWD.

15

I feel your pain and hope you are doing better.

16

I can relate! It's a very scary disease--no question! And it sucks up soooo much time and energy, too. I wouldn't wish this on anyone other than, perhaps, a few carefully-chosen evil doers in this world. :D

I just keep trying to remind myself that I can have a lot of control over what will happen to me, even though it's very complicated and I often feel very confused.

I hope you feel better soon. Vent all you need to, please! And do something nice for yourself this weekend. You deserve to feel wonderful!

17

I kind of think like you, Acid.. It just "is" sometimes.

Now Natalie, I had a bad diabetic week last week, really into mini burnout- mode:not wanting to test, the Cgms was on the blink...So I ate whatever I wanted and guesstimated; I ate AS MUCH as as I wanted ( not really high carb, but a lot of food; I also skipped many a meal; I rage bollussed without testing, had resultant high -low swings. Stayed up late all night on the internet and piddling around my house with this and that. Was thus too tired to even think of doing the things I really wanted to do.

My feelings about diabetes, when they are negative or when I ignore my disease, are usually NOT rooted in the disease itself and its management. Those emotions occur usually because I am upset or confused about something else, and trying to deny it.... When I feel burned out or discouraged about diabetes, I have to meditate,journal,talk to my friends and/or counselor,read( inspirational sources, my Bible)and pray to find out what is really bothering me. This way I learn to resolve the issue, accept it, or change my perception of it.

I have had diabetes for so long, 43 years; that it is just a part of me, like my eye color or my height. Yet I still sometimes I can "use" it to rage, or I ignore it when I am frustrated about other issues. .

Natalie, are your feelings about diabetes precipitated by anything else that may be of concern in your life? Hope you can come to some peac eabout whatever it is that is bothering you; if such a thing exists, other than the diabetes. If I am wrong, do forgive my assumpntions. You are such an informed, caring person to me who truly gives of herself to others. You have urged others to victory and not victimhood. We all need to vent and I do so care about your feelings.

Take care, my sis
Thanks for "being".

God Bless,

18

Natalie, I do hope you are feeling a bit better now, please take care of yourself, you are loved here by everyone. Maureen

19

Yup, visited all those places at some time or another. Yesterday I decided not to eat cause I didn't want to stick my fingers, so just basal and CGM. I've given up on the whys and try to be more ar-ish.

Hope you feel lighter soon!

20

Moan and groan all you want to us, we can relate and know you have every right to. "D" stinks and we've only been at it two years! Like you, I want to think Nate is just the same kid as before and should be able to eat the way he used to as long as we get the insulin dose right but there is just too many variables that are unknown in a teen, things that are now off limits and things just keep changing. We are enjoying an awesome 24-hours, but before that we had a night that went way up after he went to sleep, I had him correct mid-way but it may no difference (He should have gone down to 50 instead he stayed 189!). With little time to pre-bolus before school he spent all day correcting and never dropping below 140 til he came home and I was more aggressive. Snack and Dinner up again. Aaargh. Maybe the site change was the difference that yesterday was so much better. Bad absorbtion, scar tissue after only two years??? "Piece of cake", it certainly is not!! Hang in there, work to get a couple good days under your belt again and you might feel a little better to handle it again. Nate and I share the burden right now, so while its stressful trying to keep his numbers tight, neither of us is doing it alone, for now. I'm sorry you don't have that physical person to lean on or who knows as much as you do, to be helpful. Hope you have considered bringing someone like that in to your circle. In any case, rant to us whenever you feel the need.
Our Best, Emily