New Year’s Eve
I am sure most of us have memories of New Year's Eve or Day. Some memories are good, some not, but all of them are stored in our collective conscious. In my case each year is stored like fine wine until they ripen and come out, or like some vintages they are declared unseasoned and kept in storage forever. My most poignant memory is of the first New Year’s Day I was married and the cabbage, potatoes and ham were cooking (a Phillips tradition on New Year's Day). My overwhelming thought was that I had made it. I was married to a beautiful loving girl, we had our own place, I had just finished my sophomore year of college and it seemed like my entire life lay before me. I was at that time content. It was a classic moment and one I will always treasure.
This is one of those moments that I take out each New Year's Day, roll it through my mind and put it back to age another year. Each year when I take it out I know it will be better the 37th time than it was the 35th or 34th or 2nd time I took it out.
I do have other, not so happy, memories, the pressure of hitting a budget target, the ice on the roads, a confrontation looming over a street project or, the worst feeling of all that I would not be working the entire year in 2008 because of health reasons. My life plan was very different. As I worked my life plan turned into a desire to work as hard as I could, never give up and one day I would expire. On New Year’s Day 2008 I truly felt that slipping away from me.
I know that fantasy is completely foreign to most of you. A man who wanted to work and never stop until the day he was taken to the mortuary sounds so strange. Yet that is exactly what I wanted to do. Why is a good question? I really do not know. I suppose that is part of my makeup. I simply wanted / want to work until I was unable to go on. But I was so run down, so physically hurting on January 1, 2008 that in my mind I felt I was reaching an end. When I went back to work in January 2008 it was obvious it was not likely going to be my choice, which was maybe good since I doubt I would have ever tossed in the towel had I not been pushed. For me I could not see a life that would keep me going outside work.
At that time my Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) was so bad I was barely able to even sit, my diabetes out of control and here I knew in my heart I was leaving my employment one way or another. When that way was obvious by the end of February 2008 I was so upset as my work life and physical stamina both collapsed. I cannot tell you the awful plans I was making to avoid what came to ne an obvious outcome.
Yet, things worked out, I made it to the other side and in the end I got healthier, felt better and was better able to deal with my various ailments. I think TUD was part of that, of course I owe a great deal to Sheryl, my wife, who had and has too endure my continued chirping about wanting to work. In most cases, I found my social and mental wellbeing in my work. So it is no surprise that I loved my work and it was everything to me. People would ask who I was and I tell them what I did. I still miss that I want to tell people what I do and yet I have no idea what that is. Yes you can take the ability to work out of the man, but you cannot the desire.
Oh and to be clear I have not found a useful place in society as of yet. Yes given my own make up, I still want to work. But I know in my heart RA took that away from me. So the search goes on for the same meaning I ascribed to working, I doubt I will ever find it, but try I do. So, at least in my recollection, not all New Year’s days are festive. Some are downright depressing. I hope yours are happy or at least that when you roll them around you will taste the vintage ones and ignore those that are sour.
For me this year when I take out the 1978 memory of our first New Year’s Day being married, I will hold it a bit longer, admire it a bit more, savor the smell longer, and mix in some of those tough New Year’s days. No, I will never forget how tough they were, just like I will never forget how nice New Year’s Day 1978 was. But this year, I can smell the fruit more the fear. That is the wonder of New Years; no matter how bleak if you mix it with positive memories from other times in your life it will be sweeter and happier. Sometimes if you keep it in a dark cool place you can smell the sweet fragrance of good times past. Those good memories can drown out the current or prior years of anguish. My wish is that you will always smell the sweetness and never ever feel as I did in 2008.
-30-
Rick