Re-Finding My Heart and Soul

I like to write, and it helps when I know someone may be reading what I write, and maybe will learn something from it. Or more importantly, maybe in the meantime, in the process of writing, I will learn something. I think that’s why I do it so much, it helps clear the head, it’s me getting to express my frustrations and rage, but also my loves and passion. I have a lot of all that rolling around in this bowling ball that’s attached to my neck. And sometimes, I really like to put the headphones on and turn the music up, very loud. Like loud enough that I know is too loud, the kind of loud that teenagers like to listen to. Yeah, that’s where I’m at. And lately, it’s been rock and roll. Agressive. Loud. Fast. Rock. I’ll get to the reasons why in a sec.

It’s been a crazy up and down year for me. And it all started about a year ago, so that’s why I’m writing this post. I want to start fresh, with my year beginning, oh, about NOW! Like tomorrow. I’ve been thinking a lot about my New Year’s resolutions, and how much I want to do this and that. And then I said to myself, “Why the hell should I wait til the New Year to do that?” I mean, I know it’s all symbolic and everything, which is cool, and it definitely helps with getting off on the right foot. What also helps is a bunch of other people are doing things, starting new and fresh. But, I want to start sooner. For a bunch of reasons.

The first of those reasons is my financial situation. I am strapped. Really, very much so. So I started off on a new foot this morning and went down to the local catering company where I used to work, and asked about picking up shifts. They were super excited to see me. Which is awesome. It was that easy. But also, that hard. It’s a tricky little world I’ve been living in. Getting used to the schedule I want to keep. Expecting everything to just be easy, and I hate to say it, I’ve gotten used to living off my credit cards. I’ve been doing it for a few years now. Ever since I became diabetic, and then that huge car accident I was in. I just put it on the card and say, “Oh, I’ll get to it later.” ■■■■■■■ living with diabetes is expensive, no joke about it. Did I also mention that I work for myself, so that means I pay 100% for my own insurance. I guess on one hand I should thank my lucky stars that I even have insurance. But on another hand, I think one of the deepest black holes, a huge sucking black hole, for our economy, is our health care system in this country. I am just in disbelief sometimes when I think about how inefficient our system is and where does SO MUCH MONEY actually go. There is just so much money rolling around somewhere, it’s mind boggling to try and begin to comprehend it. Like really, who gets all this money? We’re talking trillions of dollars. Where is it all? I think our national economy is directly tied to this super inefficient system.

What’s next on the reason list? I’ve been thinking about my exercise patterns, and my work patterns, and I’ve noticed that when I have success doing things, or getting them accomplished, I usually write them down. So, as I get busier and busier (doing what, I’m not sure, it seems like a common problem with all of us) I’ve been wanting to get up early and go for a workout. I set my alarm. I wake up. But almost immediately, I turn it off and go back to bed. It’s easy to rationalize to yourself at six in the morning, when you work for yourself, and set your own hours. As I sit here and think about it, it makes total sense to wake up, get to the work out really early, and then get on with my day. But it’s a really different story at six AM, when you went to bed at 1130. And you’re also used to 9 hours of sleep. A very convenient situation for going right back to sleep.

But if I write it down, like I’m doing now, than there is a much greater chance that I will do it. It’s much easier to think in the morning, “oh, I’ve already reasoned it out, and written it down, and I just need to get up. That’s it, you don’t need to think about it dd, just get up, NOW!” Yeah, it’s something like that, the conversation I have with myself.

What else, what is another reason for New Year’s resolutions right now. Well, a lot of my mixed up head has to do with getting dumped last year, right after Christmas. I thought life was great, and we were going to buy a house together, get married, have a family, and live happily ever after. Different thoughts from her. So, a few days after the Holiday, the ax came. It’s really been a tough year in huge part to that. And I want to move on. It’s time to move on, what can I say, 11 months, yeah Dan, it’s time to move on. Here is how a couple other things fit into that. Exactly a year ago, over the Thanksgiving holiday, the ex and I were in Mexico, on a working holiday. Shooting a wedding together, but then we went to Sayulita for a wonderful couple days. But something happened there, and that was the beginning. I can look back and see it now, but then, I had no clue. And music, which I hinted at, at the beginning of this post, specifically rock n roll. The ex didn’t like loud music, had something to do with her quiet family. And I LOVE loud, fast music. But I was never allowed to listen to it. I should have known that would be a problem from the first time she asked to turn it down, or change the music, or both. But I was in love, and I did things for her, because that’s what I thought you did. We always hear all this crap about keeping true to yourself. And I’m beginning to realize, at the tender age of 38, what I’ve known ALL along. That it’s actually not crap, that you really do have to remain true to yourself. You are the only thing you have. Your soul is so crucial to your long term happiness. You have to protect it at all costs. And sometimes it means things like relationships don’t work out. But I’m a hopeless romantic, and I think it means that the ultimate relationship will be a direct result of holding onto your soul. Heart and soul, no wonder so many cool artists have written unbelievable songs about that magic combo. You have to protect and hold onto your own heart and soul as if it were your life. I really believe that. And that’s why I’m starting with my New Year’s resolutions today. I’ve let go of a little bit of my heart and soul over this last year, and it’s time to get it back. Yeah, dd, it’s time to get it back.