I am in a state of shock and depression that goes even deeper than what is normal for me. Long story short, after having this @#@%^#%% of a disease for most of my life, having relatively few problems or complications, the $@^%@#$%#@ thing has come up and bitten me in the butt in what could be the last straw.
I haven’t had any problems with my vision (other than wearing glasses) my entire life,but over this past week that all went to hell. I’ve all of a sudden (or so it seems, haha, %^#$#$^@ disease) got proliferative diabetic retinopathy in my left eye. Out of NOWHERE. The major kick in the butt is that I am still trying to get my driver’s license, and now who knows if I can still get it. Another boot to the gluteus maximus is that I’ve dealt with major depression for quite awhile. I’ve been out of high school since 2000, and within the past few years have decided to “live” again by getting an A.S. degree (general studies mostly) and transferring to a 4 year college to get a degree in biochemistry or cell/molecular biology (or something similar). With this little bit of happy information those plans have just deflated into the ground, crashed, burned, imploded, and were buried. I am crushed.
Some people have been saying that it’s just some eye surgery, get over it. It’s NOT just eye surgery, it’s the beginning of a potential END. I’m really depressed about it, and terrified and anxious about the procedure itself (panretinal photocoagulation…anybody ever had it?). I know I’m going to have a panic attack that will send me into the stratosphere, which will cause even more criticism to be heaved down on me.
Why this? Why now? I’m 29 years old, shouldn’t I have had at least another ten, fifteen, twenty before I had to worry about going blind? Unfortunately no, because diabetes SUCKS. Ah yes, then there are those who are telling me that at least diabetes can be treated, at least I don’t have cancer. Well, not to take cancer lightly, I don’t want cancer by any means and I admire and respect and love any cancer survivor, but cancer can go away. Diabetes has no remission. It’s always THERE.
I’m sorry for this half mad rant. I’m lost and alone and depressed and half a dozen other things that I probably can’t even identify. I want to cry but I can’t because if someone saw me they’d ask what was wrong and I wouldn’t be able to tell them in words they’d understand. I wish I didn’t exist right now, I’m so tired of this. Anyway, thanks for reading, somebody, anybody.