I was diagnosed as an adult, and for the most part have kept this a personal journey. 4 months ago I switched from MDI to the pump and a CGM. I added an apple watch to my tools as well. I stepped up my effort with better habits as well; regular exercise and careful food choices. For the first time, I had all but eliminated wide blood glucose swings. I was feeling great. I stepped up exercise even more, and loss weight. I was also becoming more and more obsessed with perfection, and talking about it. Talking about it a lot and being way less private. Then it got weird. I would purposely be less discrete with bolusing hoping someone would ask about my medical device. Instead, I just made people feel awkward. I was very excited for my diabetes check up, and I got lot a praise. My labs were great. The best ever. My doctor said it was nothing short of miraculous. 3 days later, I am utterly depressed, and struggling to keep the routine I had developed. I just donât understand myself. Why am I not overjoyed? Itâs as if my great doctorâs visit was anticlimactic.
I donât know that any of us are qualified to explain what goes on in another persons mind. What motivates them and what discourages them. We all understand though that diabetes is a tough nut sometimes. It seems that you found the tools and motivation to really kick some butt. For whatever reason you now seem to be hitting a wall. I think most of us can empathize with that. But in the long run, you hold the answers to your questions. What changed for you after that excellent lab result? The disease, the issues and the management are all still there and are all still the same. Figure that out. The answer is buried somewhere inside you.
It will probably be much easier to find your answer if you have a little help. A trusted a close friend, a mentor or a coach. Someone who understands living with diabetes who can help you focus and to be accountable to yourself. Otherwise, if you are like me, you may become lost in all the maybes and what if or just get frustrated and give up.
In the meantime, I would recommend focusing on your management and the things that got you to that fantastic lab result. You know that stuff worked and you donât have to like or be excited about it. It works for you and gives you what you need to be healthy. I would do that and keep trying to understand what caused me to react the way I did.
Thanks Randy for your reply. I had an emotional drop and your right, I wouldnât expect another person to explain what goes on in my head or anyone else 
Part of is fear and anxiety that I will burnout and wontât be able to keep up the diligence, but most of it is clear to me. I am lonely. Not in the sense that I donât have a wonderful wife and people in my life that support me, but I that I am lonely in my disease. There is no one around me who truly gets what its like. I am quite the expert at portraying myself evincible to the world, so people believe it. Even when it is not true. I am direct, assertive and in charge. They tend to lean on me instead of the opposite. My drive gets the best of me sometimes. I want to allow myself to be vulnerable every once in a while, and not feel deflated because of it. I think I just need some one in the flesh who shares my affliction, that I can talk to, share goals, etcâŚ
I started a topic here, but probably made it too personal. So here are a couple of related questions. What do others do to celebrate their successes. When itâs not about frustration for not getting it right, but when things are actually going well. How do you keep from becoming obsessed over your diabetes management or getting burned out? How are you kind to yourself?
Type for 10 years. 35 now and was 25. I feel I have to explain my routine and get validation from others. But truly they have no clue I feel what Iâm talking about. I get frustrated they give advice but truely donât get it. This site helps me because to an extent we understand. Burn out every other day, but truly we feel good when we do good, that mind set in itself makes a world of difference. Being proud of yourself cause we love ourselves.
Oh, Tree. Yes!! To all of this!! Thank you for your vulnerability. It has exposed my own. The blousing in front of others line made me laugh out loud (because it was familiar rather than alien). Solidarity, brother. Hang in.
Iâm not T1, but it sounds like me, classic depression, you could win $1 million lottery when in this state and still feel bad.
Itâs like looking through a kaleidoscope, donât try and work out why you act in a certain way, you are going to come up with the wrong answer anyway. If it was that simple, we could do away with meds and doctors.
high BG will also throw your mental health out of wack. it need to be stable.
start with your normal Dr who may give some happy pills AKA antidepressants
You may need to move up the ladder to a psychiatrist for the best care.
statistically, those with diabetes have higher rates of depression and poorer mental health.
Tree - saw your post and I rang so true for me I had to gather my thoughts before replyingâŚI have had the same pattern of behavior not only dealing with my T1 but also when coping with my weight. The whole process of measuring and graphing using tools like CGM or a weight scale is where my obsession begins. These are both important tools in learning how to manage my chronic physical issues but when my self worth is dependent on the feedback from these tools I have to step back from charting and focus on my behavior in the moment rather than trying to artificially map out the perfect me. This is the quality of life lesion Iâve learned over time for myself - less internal conversation means more meaningful connection with the world. I could always drop my numbers and/or weight over the course of a few months with a deep focus on charting every hour of the day but I could not sustain that behavior - I always burnt out and beat myself up for the burn out. I no longer use CGM but do test 4 to 10 times a day depending on certain factors like having the flu or verifying my basal rates. I only step on the scale at office visits - they need the data to manage my meds. last Hba1C was 5.4 thanks to LCHF diet and of course thatâs led to a weight loss and better health overall. I am grateful for the connections here that inform and encourage me to focus on my life goals in a positive way. We are all a work in process 
5.4 you say? That is awesome stuff! Mine was 5.7, which I still feel is awesome. I actually beat myself up for that because I was trying to get closer to a 5.4. I had to back off a bit, and allow a higher target because I am doing rigorous exercise and was struggling with lows. However, the previous A1C was 6.9âŚand that was down from a much higher number. Reason to celebrate right!
Crystal, I hit my 10 year mark too. Looks like you were an adult at diagnosis, as well. The explaining your routine, hit home. I feel compelled to do that if they are remotely receptive, then half way through I shrug it off and say âTMI, right.â Your right they donât get it. The other day, I had a work mate tell me that a friend of a friend who has type 1 got a new pump and it regulates him and does all the stuff I talked about doing manually. I smiled. In my head I was saying, âno it doesnâtâŚask him for detailsâŚthere is no such thing,â but instead I politely smiled and said, âthat is great.â
First of all, @Tree, congrats on achieving a fabulous A1C and putting all that hard work and dedication into the project.
So, what I would say is that I think itâs common to have these cycles of ebb and flow. I remember when I was pushing to finish my masterâs thesis, I was coding and writing 12 to 14 hours a day and hardly eating. I felt weirdly alive and hyper-focused. Afterwards, i fell into a deep state of near-catatonia, which mercifully lasted for only about 2 weeks. I interpreted it as a kind of existential and physical reaction. Basically, you have an overarching goal and it seems so worthy. Then you achieve it â now what? And beyond that, my body was in a kind of hyper-long energized, fight-or-flight level of activation. It needed some physical recovery time. Though diabetes care is not the exact same, I do think it takes a whole new level of cognitive engagement, constantly, that is actually quite tiring to the brain when you are first developing those skills. I know that when my son was first diagnosed, the mental burden of counting carbs, tracking blood sugars, etc. meant that I was basically half-functional in my primary role as a parent. Doing things like putting on their shoes became simply too complicated when also keeping track of my sonâs blood sugar in the back of my mind.
I think itâs worse with diabetes because the answer to ânow whatâ is always âmore of the same.â If you achieve your goal, you start to wonder if the only way to go is down â only now you have something to fear instead of something to reach for.
Anyways, I think this is totally normal and just one of the hardest things about this relentless disease. i would also suspect that as this new level of attention becomes more ingrained, they will become more like cognitive habits that take less mental energy â like brushing your teeth in the morning or putting your shoes away at night.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. In my life Iâve gone through both great joy and sorrow. Weâre wired to be social animals. We like it when another person sees your joy or distress and reflects back to you an accurate understanding.
I remember going through a traumatic divorce many years ago. I felt utterly betrayed, then angry, then sad, then vindictive. I went through the motions of my life like some automaton with a script to follow. I vividly remember how terrible I felt and yet all the people at the grocery store and at my work just busily kept on with what appeared to be happiness. My deep sadness contrasted with my perception of their happiness made me feel worse. How could the world be so happy and normal while my life was caving in on me and I could not escape the heavy emotions that tormented me?
Maybe my divorce taught me that for most people, the world just does not get the things you value and hold dear. Neither does it understand your troubles.
I learned long ago that very few people in my life, even the ones that want to help me, get the whole diabetes life. I finally accepted that the world is not going to change and it was no reflection on me or them. Thatâs just the nature of our predicament. How can anyone appreciate the metabolic terror that a sub 40 (2.2) low feels like and the emotions you feel in a literal fight for your life? Even the best, most empathetic, most concerned friend or relative can know what that sweaty frightened feeling a bad low creates and the powerful tiredness and uneasiness that follows.
Itâs why I participate here. I have no friends or family that understand the joy and satisfaction I take when I paint a CGM line that doesnât touch the low or high bounds â a âno-hitter.â Iâve accepted that and know in my heart that I cannot fully connect with the many acquaintances who endure their own health struggles as I remain ignorant of the nitty-gritty in their lives.
People here do get it! That continues to amaze and satisfy me. Itâs ironic that most of these kindred spirits are people Iâve never met or even talked with face-to-face. They understand the deep satisfaction I can take in a CGM no-hitter. They know how hard it is to achieve and how much work it takes, every day, every minute.
I have no magical words of wisdom that will solve the puzzle you face. I fully believe, however, that the solution to your troubles lays within you. And when you figure it out, you will remove a major impediment to your happiness. Sometimes you donât come to a full catharsis; sometimes the solution falls in place slowly, one piece at a time. The important thing is to maintain hope, understand that living with diabetes is a long game, and continue to do the small things that accumulate and pay dividends more slowly. That means healthy eating, daily exercise, paying attention to your D-needs, and interacting socially with your friends.
You will figure this out. Keep your eye on the long game!
Wow! What great responses.
To various degrees, I have tried to explain to friends and family how much daily âattentionâ it takes to have my BG in range that I believe is best for me.
I was 5 yo when diagnosed in 1960âs. I used 1 injection per day until mid-1980âs, so by then I was out of college and on my own. My family has it ingrained in their memory that I only take 1 injection per day and canât have candy, no matter how often I try to explain my insulin pump, CGMS, many BG tests per day, and why itâs important for them to give me a âheads upâ regarding meal times, advance notice for activities, etc.
So just something Iâve come to accept, in the same way I donât know some of the nuances and challenges in their family situations. When they show interest (and sometimes they do), Iâm happy to share as much as they can handle.
I also found many places in person and online support sources, including TuDiabetes (one of the best).
And recently attended the first 2 Diabetes Unconferences, where it was awesome to be surrounded in person with ~200 folks that âget itâ. Hope to attend a TCOYD at some point, and other similar events. I found out there is a local youth diabetes camp nearby and hope to volunteer there this year.
Almost 31 years type 1 here, and I know those cycles well.
I suffer from anxiety and depression and also have bouts of OCD behavior. It seems to me that keeping such a tight control on my diabetes satisfies this part of my brain that craves control. However I believe that thereâs a part that also craves positive reinforcements and immediate ones too, like a type of reward. The thing is, there is no immediate reward.
We work our butts off day in and out just to feel ânormalâ and to stay alive and well. Thatâs our reward, but I think itâs not how our brains are wired and weâre looking for more stimulation for all our hard work. Thatâs when we fall.
I wish I had more encouraging words. I do know that itâs worth working though the cycles for the good moments in life and to share those moments with our loved ones. Donât hesitate to admit that itâs hard and to ask for help sometimes. Youâre doing an incredible job. Donât stop.
You have given me encouraging words. I was diagnosed much later in life, so I have only had type 1 for 9 years. I am prone to anxiety, depression, and OCDâŚbut I have gotten much better at keeping that under controlâŚexcept some times.
Tree as for celebrating or frustration I donât have either anymore. The highs, the lows, the good A1c the bad A1c all are an other data point in living with Type 1 for 48 years for me.
I just shrug it off good or bad as I canât cure it only can try to control it to the best of my capabilities with the tools available to me. Donât over think this, donât let it rule every moment of your life. But if you canât shrug it off please contact somebody understanding that can help you thru your depression.
It is not abnormal to hit a low soon after a great victory. It should shake off in a couple of weeks. What you did should become a built-in set of habits instead of a goal, now that you attained your goal. If you persist with depression more than a couple months you might want to see a psychiatrist. BTW, clinical depression is now known to be associated with chronic diseases. Donât consider it a failure, just a place along the way of life. The true goal for type 1s is a cure for the disease. Likely, those that already have it canât be cured since we already lost our islet cells, but who knows?
Brilliant!! Iâve experienced this many times through the years but never thought of it with this kind of clarity. Thank you for your post.