Well, since my last blog post, I have talked to and connected to some people on here, and I have to say! I am feeling better. And confident.

I went to a nutritionist and diabetic educator this week. We spoke about some of my concerns and the issues I have faced in the past with other doctors. And I am confident that things are going to start changing. Or, at least, I am hoping to make baby steps to change them.

I still hate being diabetic and I hate that it makes everything harder. However! That doesn't mean that NOT being diabetic would be easy. Nothing in life is easy! NOTHING! This is just my own struggle that I am dealing with.

So something I am working on, is testing more often. I know its not much, but I am working on really listening to my body and feeling the lows or highs that I am getting. Its easy to brush a low off as a headache, or to brush a high off as just thirst. But I am wanting to test as often as I can so that I can start reading the signs and differentiating between what is just thirsty, and what is a BG High.

Another thing I am working on, or that I am more equipped to do, is to move more. I am to a point where I don't move at all, I don't get any exercise, I sit at a desk all day, and even going one flight upstairs gets me panting. So I have started wearing my FitBit again. I am taking the stairs when I can.

Although, I just need to say, it is hard to get moving when you have been out of shape for so long... I am exhausted after hardly any work, which makes me so irritated, embarrassed, unmotivated to do it often. But I want to try.

I am always so scared to fail so, instead of trying, and hoping for success, I do nothing and avoid the feeling of failure.

But what is nice about the New Year, and what everyone feels, is it is fresh start. You can make the best out of the time you have, and it gives you time to reflect on the things you want to change.

Well I have quite the list of things that I want to change, and tweak, and improve. And all of them have to do with my diabetes.

I have a question. Well, a few, that I hope you can help me with.

1. Is anyone else terrified of going low? For instance, right now, my MO when it comes to insulin: If I test at 100 at lunch time, and I eat something that is 30 carbs, my ratio is 1 unit=6 carbs. However, my sliding scale is 1 unit to correct 25 BG points. And I am PETRIFIED that my calculations are wrong and those 5 units will take me down to -25 and I will die. Rationally, I know it won't happen, but lows terrify me and I am so scared I will send myself to the hospital. So I always give myself enough to only take me down to 50 and then check in a while and correct the high. Lame, I know. But are there any tips?

2: Is there anyone who sticks to the Carbs per Meal plan? I went to a nutritionist and she wants me eating every three hours, and gave me specific amounts of carbs to eat per meal. It seems like its not very much food to me, but if I am eating 5 small meals, I guess I will lost weight and not be as hungry all the time. I just didn't know how strictly this was followed by the Diabetic Community.

3: This is a small follow up to the last question, but my Diabetic Educator told me to work on checking my BGs 2 hours after I eat to figure out the perfect dosage of carbs to insulin. However, if I am eating every three hours, I don't really know how the dosage will work..

Anyway, I am just so lost, any wanting to change for the better since this is something I will have forever.

Thank you for any help and support. I appreciate it so much.

OH! One more thing, I am from Portland, OR, and if anyone has a recommendation for an Endo that makes you comfortable. This is my third one, and I am still so far removed from the process. I just want someone that I feel comfortable with. So any recommendations are going to be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for stopping by! You all have been such an great support group and place to connect. I have only been here a short time, but I am so happy to be.

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"down to 50" Not sure I understand that??

I used to have terrible, debilitating lows before going on the pump. Several into the 30's. Really, really, horrible to go though. Once I got on the pump, I had complete control at my finger tips, I felt so relieved. I could make adjustments on the fly! In the past seven months, I've only had 3 or 4 Hypos compared to the 40-50 in the month prior to starting the pump.

Carb counting is much more flexible...takes a little while to get the hang of it, especially if you eat out a great deal...but most restaurants have nutritional info available.
In my opinion, out bodies are not meant to graze..it causes the BG to remain elevated much of the time. It might help with hunger..but there are non-Carb snacks that will help too.

I can see a problem with eating every three hours and trying to test two hours postprandial. Does not make any sense to me.

I can't speak to everything you asked, but a couple of your points are familiar to me. First being the exercise. This is something I also struggle with. I neglected my diabetes for close to 10 years, and have just recently started working on it again. During that time, I worked 12 hour shifts at a desk, and sat most of my days off as well. I let my diabetes get to the point where I was physically in very bad health. Taking the trash out or climbing the stairs results in me needing to sit down for a breath. I'm not sure the answer to that, other than slowly start moving and eventually I figure it will improve.

The point you mention about lows, and the fear of them is one I know very well. It is the reason I stopped dealing with my diabetes. I developed a major anxiety around lows and consequently kept my blood sugar high all of the time for about the last 10 years. It started just running in the 200s, then that wasn't comfortable anymore, so up to the 300s, then regular readings in the 400-500s. I would short my insulin doses, eat extra if I was anxious about the reading I just saw, anything to avoid a low. While I haven't been able to rationalize what about them I fear so much, I do know that I don't think about death or things like that when I am worrying. I've developed severe vision loss as a result of such high sugars for so long. I guess that was really the kick I needed to realize I was going to end up killing myself with what I was doing. Sounds extreme, but that is where things were headed. With that, I have really started pushing myself to try to get control over this. Right now I am still averaging mid to upper 200s, but it is a great improvement, and I've had a few readings into the 70s that I have been able to tolerate without a major panic attack. So out of all of that, basically, if we don't control this, it will take so much from us. If you have severe troubles with this fear, I would suggest seeing someone about it. Therapy, medication, and some exercises such breathing and muscle relaxation can really help in reducing panicked feelings in the moment. If I can help any more with that part of your struggles, with ideas, questions, anything, feel free to reach out to me. I've been at the fear of lows part of this a long time and tried a lot of different things I could share with you.

Best of luck getting to a better place of management.