I just wanted to update everyone that may be wondering what has been going on. I apologize for the delay; things for us have been incredibly difficult and painful.
Daniel and I went in for the fetal echo cardiogram a couple of weeks ago, and it confirmed the heterotaxy and other fetal anomalies. Our little boy would require open heart surgery, likely immediately after birth. There was a chance that the heart defect would develop into hyperplastic left heart syndrome. There was no confirmation on whether a healthy spleen was present. There were too many unknowns, too many risks to take.
Last Thursday, the 31st of January, with very heavy hearts, we interrupted the pregnancy at nineteen weeks. It was a horrible, painful experience and I am still recovering physically. Mentally I am not doing well, and my depression has overtaken completely. We are absolutely heartbroken, but Daniel seems to be handling it better overall.
I am being pressured to return to my work as a teacher as soon as possible, and certainly do not feel ready. My job is at stake. We are out of money and awaiting disability, which I frankly do not understand and am unsure as to whether I even filled everything out correctly.
Right now I am just hoping that things get better in some way, as I feel that my entire life has been ripped to pieces and I cannot put it together again. I am very worried about our future, but will have to find hope somehow.
We will continue to hang on, and hope to try again as soon as we are ready to invite that little soul back into our lives. This time with any luck we will have a healthy body ready for him or her to grow in.
Thank you for all of your kindness and positive thoughts.
I will be back in touch when some form of healing begins.
I am very sorry to read this... I can only imagine what you must be going through.
From my family's experience, I can share my mother had two lost pregnancies before she had me. They had lost all hope, and things evolved (medicine) to the point where they were able to have me.
So I guess my message is: take the time you need to heal, and count on us (your TuDiabetes family) to be with you along the way.
I can only echo Manny's words. I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you must be feeling. Everyone deals with such a painful loss in their own way and time, so don't feel you "should" feel this way or "shouldn't" feel that way. You feel what you feel; healing will come but it will come in its own way and time. Meanwhile take care of yourself. As much as possible reduce the stress in your life. Ask for help and support from whoever can best provide what you need whether it be practical help or emotional/spiritual. Take care of yourself and each other. Our hearts are with you.
I am so sorry to hear about this, I have experienced the same stress you have within my family, I want you to know that it gets better, hang in there.
sweetheart I am so sorry for your pain, when things are hard i try to remember that life is full of good and bad experiences, it is our reactions or clinging to these experiences that heightens the suffering. Please look beyond this pain and rest in the comfort of the new found commitment in your fiance and your decision to plan of family. this little spirit was not ready to be part of your family but be assured another bright spirit already has his eyes on the love inside you and your fiance and what you will offer him or her in the near future. many, many blessings and strength beautiful girl. i offer you this Buddhist tale, i'm not sure if you have heard it before.
Kisagotami is the name of a young girl, whose marriage with the only son of a wealthy man was brought about in true fairy-tale fashion. She had one child, but when the beautiful boy could run alone, it died. The young girl, in her love for it, carried the dead child clasped to her bosom, and went from house to house of her pitying friends asking them to give her medicine for it.
But a Buddhist mendicant, thinking "She does not understand," said to her, "My good girl, I myself have no such medicine as you ask for, but I think I know of one who has."
"O tell me who that is," said Kisagotami.
"The Buddha can give you medicine. Go to him," was the answer.
She went to Gautama, and doing homage to him said, "Lord and master, do you know any medicine that will be good for my child?"
"Yes, I know of some," said the teacher.
Now it was the custom for patients or their friends to provide the herbs which the doctors required, so she asked what herbs he would want.
"I want some mustard seed," he said; and when the poor girl eagerly promised to bring some of so common a drug, he added, "You must get it from some house where no son, or husband, or parent, or slave has died."
"Very good," she said, and went to ask for it, still carrying her dead child with her.
The people said, "Here is mustard seed, take it."
But when she asked, "In my friend's house has any son died, or husband, or a parent or slave?" they answered, "Lady, what is this that you say? The living are few, but the dead are many."
Then she went to other houses, but one said, "I have lost a son"; another, "We have lost our parents"; another, "I have lost my slave."
At last, not being able to find a single house where no one had died, her mind began to clear, and summoning up resolution, she left the dead body of her child in a forest, and returning to the Buddha paid him homage.
He said to her, "Have you the mustard seed?"
"My lord," she replied, "I have not. The people tell me that the living are few, but the dead are many."
Then he talked to her on that essential part of his system -- the impermanence of all things, till her doubts were cleared away, and, accepting her lot, she became a disciple and entered the first path.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to feel that these things aren't a direct result of anything we did, but they aren't. This just happened. Please remember, you will feel better and you will recover. It just takes time.
I am so very sorry. When that little soul is ready to touch down again, he or she will have found a home with two wonderful parents.
I am very sorry to hear this. I had a similar situation once. You did the right thing. Things will get better. Give it time.
I can only say how sorry I am and send you warm thoughts across the miles.
I can only add my wish for healing. Healing for you body and healing for your emoptional pain. I will beg of you not to blame yourself or blame your diabetes. You nor I or anyone else knows why this happened and to beat your self up over something you could not control will be wrong.
I am sorry for your loss.
Im so so sorry for your loss...I can only imagine how you feel. My thoughts and prayers for strength goes out to you. I lost a baby brother due to heart problems many years ago...heart valves failed to close. At a young age, I thought, he was never meant to be for us and that he is an angel now...our own little angel :)
Heal now and try to be strong Things will do get better...
I am so sorry for you pain. Please know we are with you and will be always.
That's very sad news to hear and I wish you well in your future struggles. An acquaintance of mine had a son born with some problems who died at 11 days. I hadn't heard about it but when we visited the library at a school when my daughter was looking at kindergartens, there was mural on the wall of the library with his name and dates on it that struck me as a beautiful gesture.
I heard from another buddy who had some similar problems that try number 2 had the same defect (although the doc had assured them it wasn't genetic...) and they didn't see it through, which I totally understand, as my daughter was in the neonatal ICU (antibiotics, she was fine, but 3 out of the 6 other kids all died within a year...) and it's a grim place. On the bright side, they eventually had a kid who, as far as I know, has been fine.
I lost my first baby due to complications of diabetes. I was eight months along. It was the hardest time in my life. The first few weeks after a loss like that are very dark. You must hang in there. Healing will take place but it will take time. I went on to have two lovely daughters who are now aged 19 and 21. I didn’t give up. You must not either. I know your pain but I PROMISE you, it will grow less in time.
So sorry for your loss. When things settle for you and you feel better things will all fall into place. Stay healthy and take care of yourself and feeling the loss is so healthy it allows you to realize what you had and what will be coming your way.
So sorry for your loss.
I am lifting up Prayers for your resoration and healing;for you and Daniel my dear. Do you have a doctor/counslor/pschologist who can write a note saying you need weeks off? Do you have sick days that can be used for this purpose, or are all your days exhausted? In the school district that I in which I worked pre-retirement, the Union had a sick leave bank that members could donate days to; for use by members that had run out of sick leave for medical reasons? Maybe you could access that. I know mothing about disability in your state. Maybe some other Tud members could chime in?
Do rest as much as you can. Your depression will slowly lift. My mother lost a newborn son at 3 weeks, and was very depressed ( I remember that period, I was 9 years old). bBut she slowly, thoroughly recovered, and had a healthy baby girl 2 years later, who is now my 46 year old sister, a grandma herself, now. The cycle of life continues.
My condolences for your loss.
I'm so very sorry for your loss :( Sending you lots of good thoughts and prayers for your healing.
No words can lighten the grief, but know others are thinking of you & some have shared the pain you feel. Unbearable sadness. Women also feel such heavy guilt when pregnancies aren't healthy. Your decision was the right one, though that doesn't make it any easier.
Wishing healing for you soon.