Can't wait to 2010 to end

This year has been the worst year I can imagine but I somehow have found the strength to carry on. It started out on January 3rd with my wife telling me she wanted to separate and was thinking of divorce. Great news the day before I turn 36, I took the mind set of well I can’t make you stay but if you want a divorce it means losing everything cause neither of us could afford the house on our own, and that if she wanted a divorce after a few months of separation I would give it to her. The situation with our children would be harder since I was the primary caretaker of them I was not going to settle for anything less then 50/50 custody. I moved into my parents for a short time to let her think it over. Three weeks into the separation she was admitted to the hospital for depression. After some talks she told me it was more the depression talking then her when she said she wanted out of the marriage. She was unhappy with her life and that was one thing she could change. We have been working on our relationship things still are not 100% but they are much better.

Then a few weeks later I was informed that my job of almost 12 years was being phased out. Thank you Delta for running a good company into the ground. I was lucky enough to have a second job but it was still a financial and emotional hit. It also seemed that that as soon as it was announced co workers started dieing, 6 so far.

My brother who I don't know as well as I should was in a raining accident at FT Bragg. He was doing night jump training and got his parachute tangled with another jumper. What they could tell us wasn't good just that he was airlifted out and had a head injury. he ended up ok after spending a week in the hospital. Then he was shipped back to Iraq which luckily has not been as dangerous for him as the last time he was there. (They made a book about the action he saw the last time, The Long Road Home by Martha Raddatz.)

After the job lose money got bad real bad. Have been playing the pay them this month and these guys next month game for this whole year.

Sometimes I look back and think it was the stress and not my famous stubbornness. I knew the signs but failed to notice till I was point of have a hard time staying awake and was vomiting repeatedly, But in August a few short days after my daughters second birthday I was admitted to the hospital. I was Diabetic, no dismay just a crap what next feeling.

Well what was next was my wife losing her job now with the holidays approaching I honestly have barely enough cash to pay my mortgage let alone by gifts for my children. I am fighting depression myself can't afford to go to a therapist to get meds. I just feel beaten, not suicidal, just whipped to the point of not caring. Feels like I am just going through the motion of being alive. I feel like the horse from Animal Farm, "I will work harder" but it seems to get me no where just working harder. I am a believer of what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, but damn I need a break between work outs.

The only bright point in my life it seems is my daughters. As much as I would love more sleep I will not roll over and tell them to go away when they want to play. Their laughter brightens my day, the hugs and "Daddy I love you" coming at it seems the perfect stressed out times, makes life worth living. Do I need some adult time yes but I am not ashamed to say my daughters are my best friends and at times I will notice when they are napping that I am still watching one of the kids shows and enjoying it. Of course when I look forward to watching Dinosaur Train I also realize I need to get out, but it in a happy way.

Just a rant getting thing off my chest now to figure out how to improve things next year and anything will be an improvement.

Thank you for sharing a part of you Jim… I guess life throws the bad things at us to make the good things (no matter how simple they are) all the more worthwhile… Your courage, strength and positive outlook though is simply amazing. I wish you the best!

There is a lot of victory to celebrate too — you made it! I have read many of your posts since dx and, through them, watched you take on the disease and gain tremendous control extraordinarily quickly. You were worried what your daughters would take away from your diabetes but had those worries quelled as you reported on their understanding of your management of the disease. And that the end of year, your wife is still in the picture and has a new job (which may help her depression). I think you have a lot to pat yourself on the back about. You did it!

This year has REALLY SUCKED!!! I’m hoping for a better year next year. Jim you have done things that look right this year. Let’s just both agree that 2010 has been a YEAR!

2010 has been a sucky year for me too so you are not along in the lines of 2010 is the worst year yet. At least you still have the support of your wife and the love of your children. And as being a Diabetic, you’ll get the hang of it and there are so many newer tools out there to help manage it.

For all of us who had 2010 be a bad year, lets hope for 2011 be a better year!

Jim, I hope 2011 is a better year for you and that you get a new job quickly. Good Luck!

Jim, you’ll make it through. This has been one crazy year for me too, actually the last year and a half is something I NEVER would have predicated in my wildest dreams, but that’s how it goes in life it seems. Wish you all the best and a much improved 2011.

Yeah Jim, 2010 has totally sucked. This was one of the shittiest years I have seen in a while my self. It almost seems like the Diagnosis year is the year where everything else also sends ■■■■ into the fan too.

2001 was my biggest year of disaster, starting off with diagnosis, followed by many other things including world events that made that year flat out suck too.

I am just waiting for this year to end too

Dude, you have every reason to be depressed and flat. By any standard, you’ve had a very emotionally hazardous year. If you look at what you have actually accomplished with your diagnosis and your care, you’ve done good work while all the time battling up hill. Depression is a bad thing. It made me pretty crazy at my lowest point. It doesn’t make dealing with any of your body blows any easier. I’m afraid my 2011 will be your 2010. It’s very little comfort to have people tell you that they get it. You don’t need understanding, you need a break. I’m glad that you feel you can be here and let out some of that steam. That’s is one of the things we are here for – to listen and to relate. Your girls are a beautiful reminder of why you keep fighting. There is no doubt that you are facing significant challenges. I’d also write Mitch McConnell and ask him if he’d like to trade lives for a while. We need to take this fight to the guys who are screwing us over.

Thank you all it means a lot. 2011 should be better with is getting a gig at the IRS, the job I have well still only part time is giving us a cost of living raise and does have some full time slots opening up.

SF Pete I have written old Mitch a few times and am known enough to Geoff Davis that I got asked to leave at a Q&A last April. He didn’t like the fact that I got about 10 people to show up asking the same question about the job loses at CVG.(Over 2000 in 2 years thans to Delta Airlines)

SeaGator your typing is fine.

Everyone else thank you. Its been a rough year But what doesn’t kill me should make me stronger.

I was mostly rhetorical, but I am impressed by your activism. You were asked to leave? They really don’t get it that you are also a constituent. You really are a hero.

Yep because he was there to discuss the working of politics not have an issues debate or so the event staff told us.

They really have no shame. Is anybody watching? When did it become acceptable to cast off the real people. Mitch was a big supporter of Citizens United and was present when the decision was handed down. They really don’t even have to fake it any longer. Talk about taking the joy out of tea… um, aaaaaanyway …

When Queen Elizabeth had a bad year, she called it her “annus horribilus”. I can relate and I’m sure you can, too!
I had a bad depression the first part of this year, and on top of it, my BGs just went up and up (I wasn’t helping because I was eating a lot of carbs), and I kept trying to control it by taking more and more insulin, which didn’t work, and I ended up in a coma in September. I spent a MONTH in the hospital and rehab center. I would have died if friends hadn’t come looking for me after I didn’t show up for a picnic.

But my message is that we need to concentrate on just taking one day at a time, and like you are already doing, taking time to appreciate the good things in life, like your daughters. Every little accomplishment matters, and we need to remember that life is for learning, even the bad things. I don’t know if you were suicidal, but I was, and the only thing that helped was to remember that I didn’t need to do it now, because something good might happen tomorrow. And eventually, the depression lifted. I’m keeping you in my thoughts, and hoping that things get better for you, too.

Wow, Natalie – may the Universe bring you a MUCH better year to make up for this one!

It hasta be better, because I’m much chastened, and testing and correcting more often. And cutting out carbs as much as possible – I call it reduced carb instead of low-carb because I’m not going ultra low, but only eating carby foods that have other nutritional value, and restricting amounts of those. I wish a better year to all!!!

No Natalie not suicidal in a long time tried as a teen, then many years of self destructive behavior drugs, fights, alcohol, hooliganism, petty crime. Then figured out if I didn’t straighten up I would be dead or in jail, saw to many friends go out lie that and it wasn’t going to be me. My wife has a hard time when I get together with old friends and we talk about the “good old days”. She doesn’t understand that well a small part misses my youth and I am not ashamed of my past, maybe a little proud to have made it through it, but I never will go back to the monster I was… But it is a part of me it is just kept in control.

Hey Jim…keep focusing on those beautiful girls. You know how lucky you are to have them. They are lucky to have you as well. I wish for good things for you and your family in the new year.

Thanks Elaine I am a firm believer in some times you have to have a breakdown before things start building up. So I am hoping I will have a much better year coming to me. I am at a point that the only direction seems up.

i know at least at one point you were a soldier, and this story wreaks of it. There is no way of escaping it. you have been subjected to all of the bad parts there are to being a soldier, and diabetic. romantically, medically, everything. its a ■■■■■ dude.idk how you have managed.