Comic Relief


#204

…and a distorted sense of gravity.


#205

A Greek and a Turk went to a party. After a while someone told a Turkish joke. The Greek asked if the Turk were not offended. The Turk said, “For you they are jokes. For us they are memories.”


#206

Three presidents (Trump of the US, Hollande of France y Calderón of Mexico) nude in a sauna in the White House, are discussing how to stop terrorism.
Suddenly they heard a beep…
Trump touchedthe outside of his arm and the beeping stopped.
The other two stared at his arm. Trump said there was a microchip under the skin of his right arm.
Minutes later a telephone rang.
Hollande put the palm of his hand against his ear. When he stopped talking, Hollande explained.
"That is my cellphone. It is implanted in my hand.
Calderón, feeling totally out of place and cowed by the level of technology. let out a medium sized fart.
“I just got a fax,” the Mexican explained.


#207

-Wikipedia:“I know everything”
-Google:“I have everything”
-Facebook:“I know everyone”
-Internet:“Without me, you are nothing”
-The Electric Company:“Ha, ha, ha… Keep talking!”


#208

There was a guy who had a friend with two black eyes. The guy asked, “What happened to you ?”

“I will tell you. I was at Catholic mass last night and there was a lady with her skirt pinched between her buns. I wanted to remove it for her, but she turned around and punched me.”

“And what about the other black eye ?”

“I saw that she was not amused so I tried to stick her skirt back where it had been.”

My translation of great joke by Coluche.


#209

As a seasoned driver of sixty years pulled onto the expressway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Highway 280. Please be careful!”

“Nonsense,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of then!”


#210

Early 1900’s. Husband picks up country doctor to assist wife in childbirth. Their 5 yr old son keeps peeking in bedroom.

When the baby is finally born, he sees the doctor smack the baby on the butt. He peeks out from his hiding spot and says - 'Smack him again! He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place"!


#211

Rodney Dangerfield used to claim that when he was born, the doctor slapped his mother.


#212

He also said" I was so ugly as a kid that my parents used to put a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.


#214

. . . and “my wife is such a bad cook, the flies in our backyard took up a collection to buy us a new screen door.”


#215

True story: I got an email today from Verizon Wireless informing me that I am a good candidate for a Samsung Galaxy J3 V phone.

I wrote back, “Does it come with a fire extinguisher?”

The devil made me do it. :sunglasses:


#216

Ok, another true story. My office IT group sent out a company wide email to let everyone know that email was down.


#218

LOL. That’s in the same vein as, “Anyone absent today, please raise your hand.”


#219

@David_dns oops!

:smile: Now that there’s FUNNY David! (Verizon joke)


#221

Yeah. For some reason, there has been no reply. Giggle.


#222

A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in cow dung up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in cow dung up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with cow dung up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’


#223

An oldie, but a goodie … okay, maybe I just need to admit this is one of the few jokes that I can remember.


#224

Here is another witticism from the French comedian Coluche. Not politically correct and indeed in poor taste.

“Jean-Marie Le Pen n’a pas de sang arabe.
Ou alors, sur son pare-chocs, peut-être.”

( English : Jean-Marie Le Pen has no arab blood. Oh, well, maybe on his bumper.)

Jean-Marie Le Pen is the father of the presidential candidate Marine Le Pen in France today. He was against allowing millions of moslems into the country. With the level of islamist terrorism in France, it makes one ponder.


#225

A frustrated Japanese father vented, “When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player.”

“So what do you do?” asked his friend.

“I send him to MY room!” exclaimed the father.


#226

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”. The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.