Comic Relief


#227

The Pope, a rabbi, a Baptist preacher and a psychiatrist walk into a bar. After a couple of drinks, they start making slobbery confessions.

The Baptist preacher confessed, “I have an uncontrollable desire to have sex with the women in my choir.”

The pope chirped up and said, “I love really expensive things, so I find ways to cheat my people out of their money whenever I can, so I can buy the fine things I want.”

The psychiatrist followed with, “I’m involved with selling drugs and often I get my patients to sell them for me.”

The rabbi then confessed, “I know I’m not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep a secret…”


#228

Arnold Schoenberg walks into a bar. “I’ll have a gin, please, but no tonic.”

A percussionist decides to change instruments. She goes into a music shop and says, “I’ll take the red trumpet and the accordion.” Shopkeeper says, “You can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator stays.”

I cannot believe that in over a year there haven’t been any “knock knock” jokes, so here goes:

  • Knock, knock.
  • Who’s there?
  • Philip Glass. Knock, knock.

#229

Q. How do you get a guitarist off your front porch?
A. Pay for the pizza.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bassoon recital.

Q. How do you make a trombone sound like a French Horn?
A. Put your hand in the bell and play all wrong notes.

Q. How many clarinet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one, but he’ll go through an entire pallet of light bulbs trying to find the right one.


#230

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa.”

The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?”

The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy, and good-bye grandma.”

The next day the grandmother died.

“Oh, my gosh”, thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?”

He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the postman dropped dead on our porch !”


#231

A math professor, Ivan, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, “How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck.” But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, “Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to the 6th grade, they don’t like to hire really educated people.”

The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn’t have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must now get a 7th grade education. So all the plumbers go to night school.

On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class, so he picks Ivan, “What is the formula for the area of a circle?”

Ivan walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out that it is negative pi times the radius squared. He thinks the minus sign doesn’t belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, “Switch the limits on the integral!”


#232

That’s closely related in theme to one I heard decades back. At the time, the news was full of a garbage strike in San Francicso, and the joke was based on that. Very similar to yours, goes like this:

A guy in his bathrobe steps out onto his front porch to pick up the morning paper. As luck would have it, the garbage truck is in front of his house at that exact moment. He says to the guy emptying the can into the truck, “Hey, satisfy my curiosity. Just how much DO you guys earn?” The guy tells him. The homeowner says, “$@%%#! I’m a brain surgeon and I don’t make that much!”

To which the garbageman responds, “I know. I didn’t make that much when I was a brain surgeon, either.”


#233

One of my favourite typos, reprinted in The New Yorker, October 19, 1992, p. 65:

[From the Northampton (Mass.) Daily Hampshire Gazette]
They are typical 13-year-old boys who like to fish, swim and ski, their mother says. This week Robert and Richard Pytko want to be fighter pilots.
But because they are both dylsexic, which means they have a reading and writing disorder that causes them to see reversals in letters and words, Robert and Richard learn in an atypical way.


#234

The Godfather, accompanied by his Attorney, walks into a room to meet with his Accountant. The Godfather asks the Accountant, “Where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?” The Accountant doesn’t answer.

The Godfather asks again, “Where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?”

The Attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”

The Godfather says, “Well, ask him where the @#!* money is.” The Attorney, using sign language, asks the Accountant where the three million dollars is. The Accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The Attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the Accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him again where the @#!* money is!”

The Attorney signs to the Accountant, “He wants to know where it is!” The Accountant signs back, “Okay! Okay! The money’s hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!” The Godfather says, “Well, what did he say?”

The Attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”


#235

To add to the light bulb jokes:

How many percussionists does it take to change a light bulb?

A one, and a two, and a three, and a four.


#236

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but the light bulb must want to change.

Q. How many zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to change the light bulb, and one to not change the light bulb.


#237

Pavlov walks into a bar. He hears the phone ring. “Dang!” he says. “Forgot to feed the dog.”


#238

Hmm. Always like to ask people, does the name “Pavlov” ring a bell?


#239

No, but it makes my mouth water.


#240

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London.

The waiter tells them, “Excuse me – if you were going to order the steak, I’m afraid there’s a shortage due to the mad cow disease.”

The Texan says, “What’s a shortage?”

The Russian says, “What’s a steak?”

The New Yorker says, “What’s ‘excuse me’?”


#241

A woman walks into a veterinarian’s office carrying a duck that appears limp and lifeless and pleads with the doctor to help her duck. The doctor brings her into an exam room, looks the duck over for a moment and says, "I’m sorry ma’am, your duck is dead.

The woman is incensed. “How can you be sure?! You’ve barely touched him, let alone performed any testing!!”

The doctor sighs, says “Wait here a moment” and leaves the room. He returns with a large black Labrador Retriever. The gentle giant hefts his mighty paws upon the exam table, sniffs the duck from the tip of its beak to the tip of its tail feathers, then looks sadly into the doctor’s eyes and shakes his head “No”. The doctor gives the dog a loving pat on the head and escorts him from the room.

He returns this time with a beautiful snow white Persian cat and sets her on the exam table. The gorgeous creature sniffs the duck from the tip of its beak to the tip of its tail feathers, then looks sadly into the doctor’s eyes and shakes her head “No”. The doctor gives her a loving pat on the head and escorts her from the room.

When the doctor returns again, he says “I’m sorry, your duck is unequivocally deceased.” The woman tears up a little but begins to sadly resign herself to the difficult truth as the doctor prints her a bill for services rendered.

The woman is incensed again. “TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS?!?!?! To tell me a duck was ALREADY DEAD WHEN I GOT HERE?!?!”

The vet has now officially lost his last shred of patience. “Look lady. If you’d taken my word for it to start with, it would only have been 20 bucks. But OHHHH NOOOOO!! YOU needed me to PROVE it with lab work and a cat scan!!!”


#242

I lost the sight in my left eye to diabetic retinopathy when I was 34. My co-workers were sorry for me, so they took up a collection to buy me a black and white cane. It was so successful they were able to get me a partially trained seeing eye dog.

(Note: the first part of this story is true, but I got my eyesight back.)


#243

Here is a Hindi joke from India.

Two Wives are chatting in the office :

Wife 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours ??

Wife 2 : It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 mins & fell asleep in 2 mins. How was yours ??

Wife 1 : Oh mine was amazing ! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale ! !

At the same time, their husbands were talking at work…

Husband 1: How was your evening?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, my dinner was on the table, I ate & fell asleep. What about you ?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there was no dinner, and they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took mywife out for dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money left for a cab. We walked home, which took an hour & when we got home I remembered there was no electricity, so I had to light candles all over the house !!!

Chanakya


#244

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way. Hey, doctors cannoli do so much! Olive my prayers go to his family.


#245

you 2 remind me so much of my dad…


#246

I’m thinking of getting a job cleaning mirrors. I could see myself doing that.