Rough day and being alone

Another day, another blow. I saw my therapist yesterday, and was trying to explain to him how big of a deal diabetes is to me, but he blew it off. He wanted to talk about other stuff. I don't think he gets how big of a deal diabetes is in my life. That's what landed me into the hospital in the first place, and why I have an eating disorder. Basically, we got into a fight about how I am relying on him too much and now I feel like I can't trust him or anyone else with my care. At the end of the day, I ended up crying in my doctor's office. I feel so bad for it, but at least she tried to help.

I feel so alone right now. I was told when it all comes down to is me taking care of myself and relying on myself to be my caregiver. It really makes me sad how we are all psychologically affected by this disease, but no health care provider really seems to care or put two and two together.

I'm drained and want to cry. I feel alone. I feel like giving up even more. At the same time, I want to do something. I want to become a psychologist who strictly deals with diabetics and the psychological affect that it has on them. None of us can do this alone. We need a good team of health care providers to help us, but when you are being told you have to be the one to do it, it makes it really hard to keep going.

So, for now, I'm trying to do it on my own...

well you at least got us;)

so sorry you are going through a rough period but you will get through this. not to sound like a bumper sticker but you do have the strength inside you. take it one step at a time and you will get there.

I think you should ditch that therapist if he does not understand how big diabetes is in our lives and just how difficult diabetes management is. Many people often end up depressed because psychological complications of diabetes often take a back seat to the physical complications but they are just as devastating. Am sorry and I hope you find someone more attuned to your needs

Michelle, your last paragraph is fantastic! We so desparately need someone like you in the field. The depth of your pain can be harvested for good not evil. Use these experiences/feelings to heal yourself and others. You are so not alone, you are just brave enough to type the words. The helping fields are littered with idiots and that is not your fault. Keep on keeping. Jax

Michelle, if you stand one more cheer from the crowd, don't give up or give in. Use that energy to drive yourself toward the goal you spoke of, a professional who can understand and help others deal with psychological devastation of living with diabetes.

The sad and inevitable truth is that no one gets how hard it is unless they're dealing with it, too. It can be emotionally exhausting for Type 1s to spend the better part of our days bouncing between vigilance and disregard, awareness that we are our own best advocates but wondering whether anyone around us really cares, and maybe a bit of anger -- even jealousy -- when we see people who can eat what they want when they want and as much as they want.

One of the blog posts touched on your parents not having been good role models. I wonder if your own diabetes makes you feel no better than they were/are. Were they Type 1s or 2s, one of each? Maybe it's worth looking at how your perspective of them affected decisions you made, whether in self-esteem, self-care, overall worth.

Fire the therapist. Ask your physician or diabetes educator for referrals/resources to other mental health providers. Good ones are out there, and finding them is as hard as finding good friends -- but once you find one, you'll hold on to them.

You have a lot on your plate, and while it's true that you are the one who must be the captain of your care, you're also the one who chooses (or dismisses) the players.

Don't give up -- don't let them win.

You need a different therapist. There are some out there that deal with chronic condition patients. Early on this is a roller coaster ride. Some of your stress comes from the novelty of this situation. It is a lifestyle-altering diagnosis. That being said, it is entirely do-able. Some peace of mind comes with experience. After a while, what's going on isn't new territory any longer and you get to realize that all those threatened complications aren't here (yet) and that once you get the hang of it, it's going to be a lot easier on you. There's no doubt about it, this is a big upset to your apple cart.

Now that you've had the diagnosis, take a breath. All the bad things are NOT going to come to your house at once. There are some new activities you need to necessarily fold into your daily routine. Monitoring and management is your job. I fought that principle for a long time. What the hell are doctors for if not to take care of you and make the bad things get better? Diabetes doesn't roll that way. It is very much a self-managed condition. So, in response to that feeling, I didn't do any more than was absolutely necessary. I wasn't going to let this rule my life. I was wrong. My eyes started to bleed. Not to encourage you, but I had been a diabetic for nearly 20 years before my eyes started to develop diabetic proliferative background retinopathy. I could have avoided this if I had just been smarter about it.

This is manageable once you gain a few skills. Carb counting and insulin dosing are skills. Monitoring and administering correction boluses takes a bit of experience and judgment (and you are going to get this every day no matter what). You can build upon your knowledge base as you go along. Knowledge is power (trite, I know). The more you know about how your body reacts to things, what tends to spike you, what doesn't seem to be all that disruptive, the easier you will find it to roll with the punches.

You really will be okay. Get involved in your care. If you can work with your endo and an educator use those resources. I can guarantee you that once you start taking charge, you will feel a lot better. My depression was alieviated a great deal by grabbing this bull by the horns.

Your experience with your parents needs to be separated from you. You are not your parents. From their mistakes you can learn. Those examples do not have to be emulated. You can be successful at this.

Also, you are not alone. This is home base. Here is where you can seek the guidance of the elders. A little patience on your part is necessary, too. You have to give yourself a break. You bet it's a lot to take in and there's much that you have to do adjust. Be patient with yourself. Getting BGs in range can take a bit of work early on. Don't look at unexpected highs as a failure. They aren't. I still get a clench in my stomach when I find that I'm high. I still have to talk myself down sometimes. But you can learn from it. Come here and ask advice. It's pretty much free and usually delivered with a great deal of understanding.

I agree with Pete, "You need a different therapist". Yes in the long run we have to take care of ourselves but it's nice to know there's someone out there who cares. I felt so alone when my mom passed and both my husband & father was saying "You don't take care of yourself so why should we be worried about you" Yes they said it! I missed my mom so much b/c I could tell her my feelings and she would talk to me. Went to 3 different Therapost before I found one who would listen to my point of view on things.. Your emotions will be all over the map right now, but remember how strong you are and another thing to tell yourself? I CAN DO THIS!!!!!! Belive it or not it helps to tell yourself that and THE DIABETES WON"T WIN!!! I'M NOT GOING TO LET IT WIN!!!!!!! Good luck my friend.

Do you have access to a CDE? They can often function as therapists for PWD's since they deal with our day to day problems. Best luck at finding someone who understands. Becoming a psychologist for PWD's yourself sounds like a wonderful idea.

I think I myself have benefitted from some of the great encouraging words you've received here, Michelle. I love how Pete calls us "home base" - that's how I feel about TuDiabetes too! I think maybe a good start would be a small step in the direction of better monitoring. Three years ago, I started keeping a spiral notebook next to my main blood testing machine, and I write as much down as I can (bgs, food, insulin taken, exercise) as well as any other factors that might affect my bgs, like stress or lack of sleep. It's made a big difference, esp when I took it to my CDE and she studied it to figure out what was happening. Also, I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I LOVE this post about how to make changes for the better - it's titled START SMALL

http://www.tudiabetes.org/group/simplestepsforhealth/forum/topics/start-small

It helped me give up French Fries, which I wanted to do. Also I will admit, I'd never been to a CDE until three years ago. She helped out a lot! She spent LOTS of time with me when I was at a point, having had type 1 for 40 years, that my diabetes was changing my body, and I was desperate for help. Thank God I found TuDiabetes about this time, and I've learned to incorporate the changes I needed to make so now it's my "new normal", for example, to test my blood 10 times a day, change my infusion set every other day, and keep detailed records of my infusion sites. I also am doing better at not beating myself up when I make mistakes with carb counting, or whatever I did to make a bg that's not in range of where I'd like to be.

I know there are therapists who specialize in chronic conditions, too.

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I don't feel so alone right now.

A kick in the stomach to be blown off by your therapist. All the time invested in building trust in this relationship to feel betrayed. Like everything else, there are good ones & not good ones.

To say that diabetes is overwhelming is an understatement. Our world is turned upside down & inside out. We've all been there & are still there. I promise you that it does get better, a lot better. I would sit on the floor crying from confusion & frustration. I thought I can't do this, I don't want to do this, it's not fair, why me. Well, why me has no answer, fairness is arbitray, whether I wanted to do this or not wasn't an option. What helped me was learning & researching. Knowledge is power--true. www.bloodsugar101.com inspired me. Wonderful site. Fortunately, I then stumbled upon Tu D. You're not alone!

Oh Michelle....I'm so glad that you're here!! What an inconsiderate jerk your therapist is. There are other therapists....and there are other options. Has your GP suggested anyone? And, a CDE would be of GREAT help.

Please keep in touch. Hang in there....in the meantime, you have us....keep us informed. Have you checked some of the groups here?

Michelle, I’m so glad you posted this. I hope that the responses let you know that you are not alone. You ave a whole community here who “get it” and care about the space you’re in right now. It sounds like your therapist could use an education in diabetes. It may be time to start shopping for a new one. I would recommend putting out a request in a group covering your geographic area to see if anyone else here has a therapist they like who understands diabetes.