i'm siobhan. a few weeks ago following a 12 hour spurt of amnesia i woke up in a hospital, covered in my own vomit, and babbling about how much i wanted my mother; who lives on the other side of the world. it was a bad, bad hypo, but i'm sure this is a familiar story. and the next day i felt fine. resentful, perhaps; because this little hypo-attack had presented itself in the midst of a week where i was directing a short film, not to mention the fact that the nurses had taken away my pump and i was back to stabbing myself nonchalantly in the abdomen with various spiky things, but to be honest i was annoyed at the 'big deal' everyone made out of one little hypo pass out. and in the following weeks too, it tainted my life. my mother called me daily and panicked when i didnt wake up to answer the phone at 7 am. my endocrinologist suggested i take some time off to 'recalibrate' and that i should be 'reeducated' about my pump, and maybe even see the dietician. (as you may guess. i was not a fan)
all i kept thinking was, they dont get it. its not a big deal. i've had this for 7 years. im not perfect, but this level of control is what i can sustain. im not changing for them. this is who i am.
but then with a little bitter reflection, my own adolescent arrogance soothed itself and i realized that what happened was a sign that things had to change.
after being so wholly inclined to spit a lot of four letter words at my diabetic specialist (who is actually not un-lovely), and go storming off cursing the NHS, at this point all i can do is take a good long hard look at the state of my health and start pondering how much i like living, and how much longer i'd like to remain in that state. i quite like banana bread. i'd miss that being dead.
so i guess its okay to say that things gotta change. im not okay with being sortof halfway okay most of the time and really crap some of the time.
annnnd to sum it all up, thats why i'm here. i dont actually have any diabetic friends in real life. i have no one to shame me for doing stupid things (which i do. a lot.) or applaud me for the little good things that only diabetics (or my mother) understand.
so yeah. im siobhan. im 19 in the uk and i study theatre and film. and here i am telling a website full of people about waking up in the hospital covered in puke. yep.