Today is my 15th birthday, I should be happy but I am so depressed I want to cry. I got exactly what I wanted for my birthday from my parents, a gold id bracelet. My grandparents and aunt both sent me amazon.com gift certificates.
Since diagnosis, I have had ups and downs, sometimes I felt I could handle being a T1 and other times I felt overwhelmed. Right now I'm so depressed I can't sleep and diabetes has affected every part of my life. I have got some of the worst grades in years, I can't sleep without almost passing out from exhaustion, I've had another UTI, I'm back on antibiotics and I can't seem to get my BG under control for more than a day at a time.
The way I feel I might not make it to my next birthday.
Happy 15th birthday! Feelings like yours with diabetes is common. I've been there more times than I care to admit. It is exhausting and a lot of work, but you can do it. This site is a wonderful place to talk with others with T1. Each day is a new day, so don't beat yourself up about yesterday.
This is going to sound contradictory, but...give yourself permission to grieve. At the same time, don't let yourself wallow in it too much, and don't go overboard with the negative self-talk. The odds of diabetes preventing you from making it to your next birthday are exceptionally low, and further, mostly in your control.
You're the only one who can pull yourself together, and no matter how you feel, you're empowered to make things better, and something as simple as getting some exercise or having a good meal can make a huge difference. The good news is, from what I can tell on here, you're exceptionally well positioned to take ownership of this going forward. And I'm confident you'll do that, though I'm also confident there will be ups and downs.
And happy birthday! Try to give yourself permission to celebrate it a little--don't worry, a little celebration won't ruin a perfectly good funk, and to the extent that it does, that may be a good thing.
diabetes does that, just gets everywhere it has no business, in every aspect of your life. it must be really tough to be recently diagnosed and 15. thinking about it i think id rather be rediagnosed than be 15 again!
i am only a few years ahead of you with this type 1 diabetes thing and i used to have a little book by my bed that i used to write in only when i was sick of diabetes. i would write in it instead of talking about it to people. there was a lot written in the first year and it was all pretty angry and sad. it is completely normal to feel how you feel right now. it really sucks and no one that doesnt have diabetes will fully understand how much work this disease really is. (at least i havent met anyone without it that understands)
but the good part is that it gets better. i promise, it really does. i remember being on the phone to my mom a couple of months after diagnosis-we live far from each other-and she said, "youll see, it will get to be that diabetes is part of your routine, like brushing your teeth". i absolutely exploded! i tried to explain that it was round the clock, variable, a strain on my sanity. i will probably never tell her, but she was right. it might not be tomorrow or next month, but this "new normal" really does become NORMAL! dont ever think that you cant do this. it will be hard, yes, and i can imagine that teen hormones are not going to be a cakewalk. your grades will come back up, youll be able to sleep.
it might be a good idea to see if you can talk to a therapist. is that a possibility? my uncle sent me a book a bit after diagnosis from amazon by chuck eitkin called "the book of better". when im having a bad diabetes day, it makes me laugh, makes me feel like someone understands me. you will lol. http://www.amazon.com/The-Book-Better-Diabetes-Perfect/dp/0307720683
please make sure you eat some cake today. big hugs
The first three or so months were really difficult for me, and a year later there are still days where I want to strangle my pancreas. It's difficult being a teenager with diabetes, but I promise that it will get a lot better.
I found that support groups like TuDiabetes have helped a ton. If I'm having a difficult day, I am only a few clicks away from thousands of people who understand how much of a P.I.T.A diabetes can be. It also helped for me to allow myself to grieve (my CDE joked that she hoped I would only need to use two tissues at my next appointment with her; she also wrote on one of my care instructions to eat cookies -She is the best) and find positive ways to let out any other emotions by giving back to my family, the people who have saved my life, and the community.
Happy Birthday Madison!!!! Echoing others . . . Eat cake, enjoy the day, don't beat yourself up too much. We can only do our best and your feelings we've all gone through. Keep posting on here and let it all out. We are here to help!!!! You aren't alone.
Happy B Day! That bracelet must be so pretty, lucky you! I'm sorry you're feeling depressed etc. This will happen, but enjoy your special day anyway for part of the day at least. I'm sure you're going to make it to your next bd. Have some cake, bolus a little extra.
I would discuss going on a pump with your parents and your doctor-this may make your control easier since you can adjust your basal and the basal is delivered in tiny doses by slow infusion instead of one or two big doses that stay active for hours. Out of all of my diabetes care, this has made the biggest difference so far, it's not perfect, there are drawbacks to a pump, but being able to adjust the basal is a major benefit for me.
I wish I could just tell you something that would make it better, but I can't. Being diagnosed with diabetes is a life changing event. You will never be the same. When I was diagnosed I suffered from really depressed feelings like my life was over. In hindsight I think I went through a stage of grieving, much like Elisabeth Kubler Ross's five stages of D'Nial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally acceptance. No matter what people tell you, your feelings about what has happened to you are valid and you have every right to feel depressed or angry.
Despite that I do want to encourage you that you really can live a full, healthy and long life. This doesn't have to limit anything you can do.
Hi Madison! You know what birthdays can be stressful for diabetics, I remember my “perfect birthday” when I was maybe 8 or 9 ( I can’t remember it’s been so long ) where all my friends came to play with me, I got everything that I wanted from my parents and more and I just started crying for no reason! I felt very selfish because I wanted more gifts but it confused me because my parents got me everything I wanted. Turns out my blood sugar was off the charts and I was too young at the time the learn to pin point it. I told you this story to let you know you’re not alone! Thankfully I’ve learned a lot since those years and learned to cook foods that are low glycemic and mostly gluten free to help me in the long run. I’m struggling today because I’m sick and have higher readings which frustrates me. Please know that I am praying for you and have been since I saw your post. Remember knowledge is power and the more you can learn about how to fight this the more victories ( and birthdays ) you can celebrate.
(((((Hugs))))) and enjoy your birthday cake. Would love to see your pretty bracelet, what a lucky girl you are to have such a loving family around you.
I’m 55 and have been T1 for 30 years and I still have times when I feel the way you do. Luckily, it’s only once in a while. Diabetes is a bummer. No one here will begrudge you that. No one can truly understand unless they walk down this road too.
As others have said, it’s a loss and its natural and healthy to grieve. You will get past it. Eventually, you will get to the acceptance phase. You’ll be able to own your diabetes and control it rather than it controlling you.
Try to enjoy your birthday and focus on the positives in your life–family that love you, friends to support you.
UTIs are a pain that kind of go along with diabetes. The good news is they are a great motivator for achieving good control. The better your control, the less likely UTIs are to haunt you.
Eat the cake but I would scrape the frosting off first. Best of luck.
I was 57 when I was diagnosed and I'm a guy. I would say I had a lot easier than you and still it took me a couple of months to establish basic control. It was a good thing that I'm self employed because I wouldn't have wanted to face my employer given the quality of my work those first few months. There were times I didn't just want to cry but just totally melted down in frustration.
It gets better and it gets easier. When I went to an intensive training session about six months in, I was told that it takes about a year to get the hang of things. That seems about right. You're 15 - you may well have 70 or more years left. Just give yourself time and treat yourself with kindness.
Having someone you can talk to about your struggles and get some support is really important at your age. Depression is real and can be treated. I saw from your profile that you are in Tokyo. A quick Google search (in English, unfortunately), let me to this link for a Diabetes Center, who may have resources for you: http://www.dm-net.co.jp/twmu/english/. I would encourage you to seek out some professional guidance. Things can get better. There is hope.
We have all been there, raging against this disease that turned our lives upside down, preventing us from ever being "normal" again. It sucks, period!
For everyone though, diabetic or not, all we can do is give our best effort today. If that means crying and being depressed today, then that's your best for today. If your BG is high now, that's bad for the BG and your tester, but it isn't a reflection on whether you are bad or good. It is just a number that can be changed. When you start a new day, you can work on being a bit less depressed.
What was your worst day ever? Was it worse than your birthday this year? Between that "worst" day and your birthday, did you have any good days? Days with laughter? Days with both laughter and tears?
Live each day, Madison. Some days will be beautiful, some will be absolutely terrible, some will be somewhere in the middle, each will be yours. One day, it will be your next birthday.
Madison - First of all, Happy Birthday! It seems like the last thing you need is a happy-go-lucky response that doesn't resonate with the turmoil you feel. You've been given many wise responses here. If you haven't, read them over a few times. Sometimes it takes a while for ideas to sink in.
All the feelings that you're experiencing are legitimate. But they are not the final judgment about how your life will unfold. I had all those feelings you write about but at a a different stage in my life. I was 30.
I now benefit from a much longer view of things. I didn't like when my parents pointed out how their perspective moderated how they viewed the same event as me. Part of my anger derived from the fact that in a part of my heart, I knew they were right.
Some people with diabetes would argue that there is nothing good about diabetes. I take the other side of that argument. Diabetes has amplified many good personal traits that were not so well expressed before my diagnosis. I am now much more attentive to my health needs. I learned to put these needs first. Some might say it's selfish but sometimes you need to love yourself first before others can love you. In fact, how you treat yourself teaches others how you want to be treated.
Diabetes has helped me become a much better me. Life carves and erodes every physical thing in this world, man and nature. No one gets by unscathed. Its the nature of living. Please know that the sadness and grief you feel will later help define define your capacity to feel immense joy and fulfillment, if you let it.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself the time you need. Things will not get better overnight, but sometime in the future you may find yourself busy with some important project and it'll dawn on you that you feel happy! Life can surprise that way.
Whenever I've gone through crises in my life I always fell back on the fundamentals: get plenty of sleep, eat nourishing food, exercise, drink enough water, and express your true feelings to at least one other person. It's never let me down even in the face of health loss, love gone wrong, and death of loved ones. Take care and notice one beautiful thing today, whether it be the fragrance of a flower, the rich color of nature, or perhaps a friend's smile.
Madison, Happy Birthday! It took me a long while to accept that I am a person with diabetes and in that time I ignored testing, taking my shots, and eating like a starving person.I had the highest A1C of anyone my doctor had even seen and this is while I was on medication AND insulin.
It is an exhausting 24/7 endeavor. I hate that I have diabetes, but I do and I have to decide if I want to deal with it or go on being angry. It happened, just like good things have happened in my life.
I also have an eating disorder which really messes with diabetes! I really want to eat whatever I want like my friends but I have to be more careful than them. If I eat whatever I want and don't take a bolus, I can get up to a BG of 400 or more.
Finally, I decided I was given this diabetes thing for a reason. It actually has put me in control of my life. Taught me discipline, patience, humor. Don't get me wrong - I'm still mad as heck! But it's life or death so I'm in control of what I do.
Just like someone else might have cancer or heart disease, we have this lifetime commitment to ourselves. Chronic disease is hard to understand, you can't just get antibiotics and it's gone.
A person once told me, of my diabetes - "Most people's bodies are Fords, but you are an expensive sports car - you need special handling." I like that.
Hang in there and post often. And you won't feel this way on your next birthday! Remember, you are in charge. Sometimes it does seem like every thing happens at once and it's true, it does, but take each thing individually and deal with it. Break it down into smaller pieces.
